Wednesday, February 15, 2006

morphine for the mind

i have always considered myself to be a reasonable man....i am seldom emotional and my reactions are calculated ....always...even my passion and spontanity are products of intense delibration...this has been me for some time now.
I have obviously not been like this for all my life. There was a time when i was intriuged by life and its mystery...wondering and marvellin at its beauty...a beauty tat was as much a product of it unpredictable nature as my innocence. But somewhere along the line, it changed. all of sudden someone unknowingly spilled the beans, tat everything is controlled by some predefined parameter, a variable or a trigger. Everything can be planned and more importantly everyone can be. It is sad to think that freewill of people itself is a product of someone elses will.
That is when i began to realise how easy it is for one to be moved or around by strings, just a puppet in someone elses hand. A harmless toy in the hand of a pezzonovante. But a life as a toy is still entertaining, u get the feelin of being in control when u are actually actin out from one elses script. But once the truth dawns upon u, u are gripped by an unquenchable thirst to be in control of as many elements as u can, to play someone just to exercise and display to urself how to play god.
But its rammifications are even more depressing. like an unending loop or vicious circle. just as one wonders how each tot is preceded by a tot of havin a tot, u realise tat the primary tot the trigger lies not withus but somewhere outside us. This meanin tat every action is a stimulated one by an external if u can crack the tot process of a person, u can always manipulate and hold the strings. safe in ur ensconce but still controllin the environs...
This is theoretically suppose to enrich my life coz i havin realised this shd be able to control a majority of the elements....but it has depleted my life of all its passion, innocence and all the smaller joys in life begin to have lesser significance with each passing day. Havin openned the pandora's box i am stuck in the dilemma, wondering if i wish to be in someone elses control and pass the buck in exchange of smaller joys, or live the dream with no happiness... wat is worth more???


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