Hope?

Off late, loads of people have asked me one question far too often. It is a question I ask off myself and an event I discuss with myself so frequently that it is driving me crazy.

The paradox here is (there always is a paradox, only takes the right perspective to find it) it was I who created this event, this question. It is a product of my desire, my hope and my fantasy. It was not hidden or swept under the carpet for its purpose was but the opposite of what it has mutated into today. It gave me hope, reason to push forward, sweat it out. It still does at times. But nowadays it is largely overshadowed by the chills it sends down my spine.

How often it is that what you create often becomes your own nemesis?

The question that once helped me wake up each morning with hope and reassured me is now the reason I cannot sleep in the first place. It haunts me; it haunts me so bad that I have reached a point when I may have to kill what I created. There is no greater injustice in life than when you have to decapitate the flesh of your own loins (metaphor please). And I guess in the interest of sanity I will have to unplug my own creation.

Questions, answers…how does any of it really matter? I guess only one thing matters, can you find sleep tonight?

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

You hear it all around you and its one of those adages that one simply cannot take seriously. If one were not to wish for anything, if there were no endeavors, there would be no purpose to life. And it is this sad fact that makes me sick to my stomach. All through your recent past you cringe and cry for something and when you get it you really wish you didn’t. This is not hoping for some toy or something materialistic. It is a lot more meaningful than anything one can put a price tag to. These are emotions and secret desires that dwell deep down that you very well know exist but you never talk about it. Insecurities and fatal hunger for doing something, maybe doing someone, being something you are not or simply cannot be. You senses tell you that you are smarter than that and it isn’t something that you want, but you want it. Period. No matter who you are, there is always something about yourself that you want to change.

I am no different. This has nothing to do with what others want you to be but it is about how you perceive yourself, something you cannot ignore, turn your back or simply avoid. All my life I have hoped and wished that I weren’t so numb. So disconnected with what is happening around you and with yourself that you even welcome pain and misery with open arms. Well, it’s an emotion, you tell yourself.

But then things take a twist and somehow you find yourself in a place that you exactly want to be. Exactly what you hoped for and you look at yourself in the mirror and expect to see yourself happy. But then, life cannot be that easy, can it? It has to kick you in the balls and drag you through dirt. And you realize you are so neck deep in shit you want to go back to the place where you were comfortably numb. So much simpler. Definitely less complicated. But now you drown yourself in thoughts to the point of no return. It’s like a quicksand. The harder you fight to escape the more you are sucked in. There is no fighting it. You simply cannot escape.

All that you can do is ramble about a time that was beautiful enough that it did not afford you the luxury to think and ponder. When you could actually look within your self to find a sense of content that seems eternal as opposed to the fleeting emotions product of the tiresome rigors of your current pursuits, banal as they seem, but none the less determine the course of your life. Finally you hit a point when you realize that what you hated were the best moments of your life, and from thereon it is all going bad to worse. Worse to horrible, horrible to catastrophic. And strangely, it doesn’t matter anymore cause once you realize you are in for shitty ride, you just brace yourself and let go. Not so easy, this last bit.

Here I finally come to a juncture, when I start out telling a story and end up with a different one. Maybe that’s what life is all about, not knowing where you are headed. But to enjoy it rather than beat yourself, you have to let go. It is simpler that way and certainly less painful. To conclude, Simplicity in any of its form is amongst the hardest to derive and is without doubt the most complex state to arrive at. Or maybe I don’t know shit. If I were you I would bet on the latter.

requiem for a dream

Its been a long while since I posted and for good reason. I had/have been experimenting with the more classical pen and paper. While I have grown to appreciate the undeniable pleasure of listening to your pen scratch across the page, I cannot help but revert back to this because of several reasons. Whom am I kidding? Its just one and its my handwriting as every teacher who has had the misfortune of reading through the rubbish I have written over the years will testify.

On a more serious note, I would like to dedicate a post entirely to the most influential song in my life to date. All those of hours of melancholy, depression, desperation, frustration and utter disgust have found me with but two companions. One, the eerie glow that only candles can bring to a room and two, this song. It has been the background score to so many revelations and introspective sessions.In fact it is playing as I type this out. So I dedicate this second wind of blogging to This song.